Heathers has been one of my favourite films for a very long time. It's wicked, funny and iconic, a teen cult classic. The dialogue is extremely quotable, the outfits are ambitious and, along with the music, help to build a strange and surreal high school world. It always reminds me of a gentler American Psycho: it's gruesome and outrageous, but most of the characters don't seem particularly affected by the violence, which just makes it all more unsettling. And if Patrick Bateman has Huey Lewis And The News, Jason Dean has Big Fun.
If you haven't seen it before please go and watch it now, and don't read this piece as it's packed with spoilers.
So, which Heather would you be? Queen bee Heather Chandler, the bookish Heather Duke who she treats so horrendously, or cheerleader Heather McNamara, statuesque with a penchant for awful jocks? Or maybe you're a Veronica Sawyer, a girl who doesn't actually like her friends - they're more like co-workers, and their job is being popular.
Perhaps a better question to ask is, what's your signature colour when it comes to clothes? Below are the Heathers and Veronica wearing theirs in the cafeteria.
Your Signature Colour Is Red
Oh OK, so you're Heather Chandler. You're all about power. You probably date/dated college guys when you were still in high school and you love big shoulder pads, your red scrunchie, and boxy blazers. Here you are putting one of your best friends in her place (which is always below you).
Where do you meet these awesome (by awesome I mean AWFUL) fraternity lame-os you insist on dating? At their dorm parties of course. You bust out your ultimate, "I'm more mature than I look" outfit - pearls and this sweetheart-neckline body con dress.
To everyone at school, and even your closest friends, you appear to have it all together and seem happy with your status and the way you're perceived. But sometimes when you're alone in the bathroom you can't stand your own reflection.
You probably grew up with a mother who was also super popular as a teenager, and consequently her signature colour is also red. Which explains why your kitchen is decorated like a candy cane.
You woke up like this:
Everything about your life is meticulous, perfect and crimson. You even get murdered on a beautiful plush red carpet.
You have creepy child paintings in your room. That's just how you roll. And said creepy child is wearing red, naturally.
And even your funeral is an explosion of scarlet.
After your death your locker becomes a shrine to your favourite hue, your self-obsession and your funny little high heel key ring.
In fact you're so successful in making red "your colour" you're even wearing it in your friends' nightmares. I think Winona's subconscious mixed in a bit of her Beetlejuice memories here too, which is nice.
Your Signature Colour Is Green
You're Heather Duke. Life is not easy for the Dukes of this world, especially when there is a Heather Chandler prowling the hallways. You're the most quiet of the popular girls, and you like books. Don't believe me? Here you are in your matching skirt, jacket AND shirt, reading Moby Dick.
And at the same time you're also wearing these cute green socks with buttons, and you play croquet with the green mallet and ball. Do you get it yet? GREEN IS YOUR LIFE.
But even though you've dedicated your life to one hue you still play around with it (the teeniest tiniest amount). For example sometimes you wear white lacy socks and green tartan shoes.
Sometimes you wear a green tartan pencil skirt and a green belt and green tartan braces. See, you're totally chilled out about the green thing, you're not obsessed or anything. Why do people always look doubtful when you say that?!
"I'm totally wearing a bit of white you guys! And this hat is BEIGE. I'm a chilled out, relaxed dresser who SOMETIMES likes green".
"OK, look, I admit that yes, I do love all shades of mint. But I don't feel like I should have to change. Especially when I just bought this awesome studded jacket on sale".
Thing is though, once your best frenemy has died, suddenly you realise there are lots of other colours out there to choose from. And you start to think that maybe you want to try something else. Say, for example, oh I don't know...red. Just a tiny bit at first.
Hey, red feels kind of good. Maybe you should wear more red? What's the harm in that? It's not like by wearing red you're going to become some awful bully like Heather Chandler was. It wasn't the colour of her clothes that made her mean. Or was it?...
No, no it's fine, you're being silly! Wearing red definitely won't turn you into a horrible person who publicly humiliates their other friend Heather when she calls a radio helpline for advice.
OH DAMN GIRL!
Is the colour red evil? Look how evil Heather Duke looks wearing red and burning this envelope!
Look how evil she is bathing in the sun like an evil cat someone has dressed up in a little red outfit and laid next to a zebra print bag.
(Sidenote: ooh look at these Japanese-inspired jackets and blouses Heather Duke and Veronica Sawyer wear)
NO BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS, BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU WEAR RED
Your Signature Colour Is Yellow (And Grey)
Yes you're popular, you're a cheerleader, and you fit into what "society" deems physically attractive. But you're kind of in the cool clique by birth not design. You've always belonged so it's not as important to you to stay there. After High School you'll probably end up going to a mid-level college where you downplay your popular-status for a bit and mingle more with the drama and science crowd, which makes you even more lovely.
But until then, you wear yellow. Even yellow socks with yellow leggings.
You looooooove your yellow socks. But you're also a big fan of grey. You're not crazy into having loads of different looks or being really adventurous with your outfits, but you know that yellow and grey work well together.
Your bedroom looks like it's been decorated by the sun. And apparently the sun enjoys frills.
Even your pet is yellow. And you keep your little yellow bird in a yellow cage, in front of your famous cow painting. I bet everyone who comes over to your house is like, "first I need to see your room which apparently THE SUN decorated, then I need to look at that cow painting I've been hearing so much about".
You like animals. You have a lamp shaped like a swan, and you still cuddle your stuffed bear. You lie on your bed in your yellow socks, using your yellow phone, wearing your yellow pyjamas.
And when you decide you want to kill yourself at school you use yellow pills that come in a yellow container.
Your name is Heather McNamara and you like yellow.
Your Signature Colour Is Blue
Ohhh, OK, you're the blue one. You're a maverick, an outsider, you're just a tourist in this High School life. And you write down your tales of the natives in your diary. AND YOU HAVE VERY BIG HANDWRITING.
Seriously, she must go through a journal a month. And why isn't she using both sides of the page? Think of the trees Veronica.
One of the great things about being a maverick is that while you still definitely have a signature colour, you can mix it up a bit more with other colours. Mainly the dark ones, to match your cold black heart.
Of course in order to stay in with your clique you're going to have to keep wearing that blue. But often you'll just throw on some duck egg-hued tights with your pencil skirt dress and off the shoulder top.
I bet you also accessorise really well with a jumbo squishee.
Here is your "oh crap I just killed my best friend by accident" outfit. That is a looooong waistcoat.
As a murderer of close friends and acquaintances you develop a good game when it comes to funeral dressing. One word: hats.
Also becoming a teen killer (sort of) by accident means you stop worrying so much about the small things. For example whether or not one should mix navy and black.
At this difficult time perhaps you'll seek comfort in your signature colour, choosing to wear it completely head to toe.
Do you think the bedrooms of all popular girls are decorated in just one colour? Which came first - being popular or using only one shade when interior designing?
A frilly denim skirt, black lace crop top and grey jacket are the perfect clothes for an early morning murder-made-to-look-like-suicide.
"Hey Heather McNamara! I can wear grey too! In fact I'm so good at wearing grey, I can even pull off these culottes with elasticated cuffs!"
"Oh man, I really want to wear my blue tights today, but I also want to wear my blue shoes...Wait, I couldn't possibly wear them both together...could I?"
Yes, yes you can.
Veronica's Christmas List:
Blue stuff for my bedroom.
A good lawyer.
That is all.
Veronica often makes her crazy boyfriend stand in blue light when he's waving his knife around.
And her favourite time of day is blue o'clock.
Also guys, she uses a monocle. Enough said.
Your Signature Colour Is CRAZY
You're completely insane and you couldn't care less what colour your clothes are, you just want to reek revenge on all the weirdoes at your school and punish your dad for your mother's suicide. You're Jason Dean.
That said, you're super dooper into your black denim coat. Or is it linen? Who cares? Definitely not you.
You wear it mostly with jeans, a shirt and a vest. Either black or white. And you gesticulate a lot while holding guns.
(I like to think Veronica insisted he wear his blue shirt to their gun-swinging make-out party in her room, "You must match my walls!")
Jocks lean in really close when they talk to Jason J.D. Dean.
And in return he stares at them from a distance when he's riding his motorcycle. I like his boots.
It's kind of sad what happens to the love of Veronica and Jason.
But in the long run it is better for her to not be with him. He was kind of a bad influence on her. And while I really don't think he needed to blow himself up in order for her to be safe, at least now she can just move on with her life and extricate herself from all that weird High School cliquey mess.
NO VERONICA, DON'T DO IT!